• "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing.

    "If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

    "If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded announcement. Please enjoy the rest of your flight."

  • A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single ticket agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied: "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F&$# you!"

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

  • The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
    • A DC-10 landed too fast and taxied a long way down the runway before it was able to turn towards the terminal.

      San Josè Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

    • O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

      United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that little Fokker in my sights."

    • A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

      Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
      Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
      Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
      Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

    Got your own good ones? Send them to us at travel@metropolis.co.za.


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