It involves pain-staking procedures of having to pass imbeciles at X-Ray machines asking you to strip down to your rods (for us traditionalists who still wear them, of course). Stay with me, I?m going somewhere with this.

Look, I understand the necessary safety precautions, but does it take just one blasted extremist to have hidden something somewhere, before it becomes a cast-in-stone security procedure?

"Sir, as of today we?re asking all passengers to remove their front teeth. Last week someone hid a bomb in their dentures."

And another thing while we're ranting. Is it just me, or is it a bit odd that you?re asked to remove your laptop from your bag and to place it in a food tray? Isn?t the purpose of an X-Ray machine to see through just about anything, including my large European man-bag?

I'm sorry, but these are the things I think about while standing in my socks, shuffling in a queue and removing my belt without letting my trousers drop, all at the same time.

Up, up and away

Then there?s the flight. Mine so happened to be to Auckland, New Zealand. And no, it?s not because the 'Transvaal is consigned to the history books. I was off to start a two-year contract at an advertising agency. But first, I had to endure a 16-hour flight stretching across 10 time zones. It was going to be long, very long.

I will say that the one redeeming quality of Oliver Tambo Airport is that the design of the new international terminal is top notch ? the panoramic view, clean simple space and plenty of comfortable chairs make waiting for your flight that much more bearable.

Having gathered a calm composure I made my way to the Qantas gate, only to be met by an enormous queue of over-eager South Africans clutching tightly to their only ticket out.

But wait, there?s more.

The queue wasn?t to board just yet we all had to have our bags searched first. So is it me? Apparently those X-Ray machines really aren't capable of seeing anything, they?re just there to annoy people. Then to top it off, a man with a nauseating grin said: "Sir, if you?re carrying a laptop would you mind taking it out of the bag please?"

Enough said.

I can?t say that I?m au fait with all the airlines, but I?ve flown my fair share and my long-haul experience with Qantas was exceptional.

For starters, the cattle class section had far more legroom than I am accustomed to. Let?s not get carried away, I?m talking an inch give or take, but to any economy flyer that's like the difference between the days of ?Open Time? from Mnet or being stuck with SABC.

I also found the in-flight entertainment a real treat: movies coming out of your ears, more music than 'adbreak 5fm' and TV channels stretching from documentaries to CSI. What sixteen hours? Who cares? Click, click, click.

As for the meals, well, yes it?s between chicken and beef, but for some reason you had more of say in your choice. That?s because they gave me a menu. Yes, a menu, where I could decide what drink I wanted and if I preferred to have the chocolate mousse instead of the lemon meringue.

And there?s something else. The flight attendants just kept on coming and coming. Which, might sound annoying, but when they?re sliding an orange and mango ice lolly into my hand, who am I to quibble? The other great thing was that instead of calling the flight attendant at 4am because my tongue felt fastened to the roof of my mouth, I could reach over to one of the many taps in the wall and pour a drink myself.

Those damn Aussies. Good at every blinking thing. Well, almost

Lost in time

Stopping over at Sydney was an experience. First I had to remove my belt and shoes and then my laptop from my bag ? I won?t even go there. And secondly, I?m not sure why me in particular, but I was singled out by two puffy officials in biohazard uniforms that looked like they had just walked off a CSI set.

I thought America was paranoid, but I was wrong. Nervous that I hadn?t memorised the periodic table or taken Science on higher grade, I thankfully wasn?t asked anything too complex. I was poked and prodded with fancy gadgets though. And of course, asked to unpack my man-bag.

Now, let me remind you, it is a long flight, and one does feel slightly disorientated and slow. Unaware of what day it was exactly, it had suddenly dawned on me that I had in fact booked the hotel and rental car a day too late. More great news was that I didn?t have the contact details on me. Sure, I could go onto my laptop, pay a fortune and connect to the wireless, but we both know that involved me taking out my laptop. And that wasn?t going to happen.

Once again, the Aussies thought ahead and dotted the airport the with free internet terminals. Filling my spare time with panicked phone calls and foolhardy credit card use, I eventually hopped on my connecting Air New Zealand flight and two hours later sauntered off the plane into Auckland Airport, sometime after midnight.

I will say this though, the New Zealanders are extremely friendly, so friendly that an airport official walked straight up to me and greeted me by name. Shortly followed by: "I?m terribly sorry sir, but your luggage hasn?t arrived!"