Unless you're up at the sharp end of the plane, flying is generally not a particularly fun way to travel, so we've squashed together some of the best airline jokes and tall tales around. Now settle back into your cramped economy class seat and enjoy...

  • A small South American plane with a load of passengers aboard taxied away from the airport building down to the end of the runway. After sitting revving its engine for awhile, it taxied back to the building, switched off the engine and there was a half-hour delay. Then finally it took off again and when high over the Andes, a passenger called the stewardess over: “Why did we have a delay back there?”

    “Senor, the pilot say that the engine ees faulty and eet ees not safe to fly.”

    ‘Oh,” said the passenger, “did they replace the engine?”

    “No, senor,” they replace the pilot.”

  • The pilot’s busy chatting to the co-pilot over his microphone, but doesn’t realise his voice is also being broadcast to the passenger compartment. “You know what, Joe? I’m gonna have me a nice cup of coffee, then get naked with that beautiful blonde air hostess.” Horrified, the air hostess in the passenger cabin begins to sprint from the back of the plane down towards the cockpit. A passenger grabs her as she runs past. “Not so fast, missy! He hasn’t had his coffee yet.”
  • Early in my flying career I had my first night flight. Looking down in the darkness, I asked my instructor what we would do if the engine failed. "Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent attempt to restart the engine and make a Mayday call," he explained. "The only difference between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so the aircraft should be headed toward whatever looks most like a clear area, and it should be approaching into the wind. Conserve the battery, turn on the landing light when you get close to the ground, and if you like what you see, land." "All right, but what if I don't like what I see?" My instructor gave me a compassionate look in the dim cockpit, and said softly, "Turn off the landing light."
    Joe B.

  • While on duty as a ground hostess I was directing passengers to the bus which would take them from the terminal building to the aircraft. I noticed a rather upset elderly woman, apparently on her first air trip. When her turn came to board the bus, she tried to leave the queue. "You are going to Durban, madam?" I asked her. "Yes," she replied, "but for what that ticket cost me, certainly not by bus."
    Lize

  • I was about to take my first airplane trip and expressed my anxieties about flying to the ticket agent, who reassured me by quoting safety statistics. Feeling a little better, I took his suggestion and chose a window seat. Then the agent handed me my ticket. "Now take this to Gate 22," he said with a solemn face. "That's where we hand out the helmets, scarves, goggles and parachutes."
    Anon

  • A peppery woman at the airline ticket counter was complaining about the delay in the departure of her flight. "Young man," she snapped at the reservations clerk, "the way you people run this airline, a witch on a janitor's broom could get there faster." "Madam," the clerk said, with just a hint of a smile, "The runways are clear."

  • When I played with a symphony orchestra, our union reached an agreement with a major airline about which instruments we could carry on board and which had to be shipped as luggage. A cellist was dismayed to find that his delicate, expensive wood instrument was consigned to the rougher handling and cold temperatures of the baggage hold. He neatly solved the problem. Cello in hand, he approached the flight attendant at the gate and asked, "May I bring my clarinet on board?" Scanning her list, she replied, "Clarinets are okay, have a good trip," and, smiling, waved him on.
    Philip

  • It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northeast. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. Anon

  • And lastly, some great cabin-attendant announcements:
    • "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child...pick your favourite."
    • "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
    • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Even more great airline jokes on Page Two and Three.

Got your own good ones? Send them to us at travel@primediaonline.co.za or post a comment below.
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