The next question is, will I be able to do it if anyone else is actually there…
The Western Cape Hotel at the Arabella Estate has gathered something of a profile over the last few years, the celebrity-laden Nelson Mandela Invitational golf tournament giving plenty of focus to a luxury hotel flanked by one of the country’s outstanding golf courses (Compleat Golfer magazine ranks it firmly in South Africa’s top five).
But beyond the immaculate sculpting of the course, and the imposing visage of a hotel that looms above the lagoon, lies a top-class spa that pays tribute to the German ownership of the Arabella group, by making much of it clothing-optional.
This could mean, of course, that you arrive to the aesthetically acceptable sight of the Swedish ladies beach volleyball team striding from brine pool to steam room in natural splendour; alternatively, you could come upon a tour group of Bavarian pensioners revelling in the chance to break free from their lederhosen. It can be a slightly disconcerting prospect to those not schooled in the ways of European liberalism, but with the hotel attracting large numbers of tourists from the continent it’s an approach that clearly finds favour.
Not that you have to opt for what most South Africans would probably feel is more than a touch of exhibitionism — Roman skirts are on offer to provide a little modesty if required, and there are plenty of standard spa options that don’t carry the threat of stumbling upon octogenarian nudity. A full range of treatment rooms and massage options complete a most comprehensive spa facility — and that’s only part of one of the Cape’s finest luxury escape holes.
"The beauty of the course is undeniable"
The course at Arabella is a work of art. Both nines fall down to and finish around the lagoon beneath the hotel; including the eighth, a towering par-five that descends gloriously to a green well below the high-altitude tee box. Peter Matkovich’s exquisite design is not forgiving though, and if the wind gets up — as it so frequently does — you can face 18 soul-destroying holes. Regardless, the raw beauty of the course is undeniable, and Scottish professional Andrew Coltart rates eight and nine and 17 and 18 as comparable to any of the best closing holes he’s played on the European Tour.
The course also has a fantastic clubhouse in which to either celebrate a great round, or seek refuge from the elements — the Arabella group includes the Paulaner Brauhaus at the Waterfront, and so German Weisbier (best said in a thick German accent) awaits on tap; a revitalising tonic indeed.
There are also two excellent restaurants in the hotel, and a cigar lounge and bar upstairs that by day offer a great platform to take in the view over the lagoon, and by night have a habit of keeping you from your room slightly longer than anticipated.
But what a room when you get there. If the spa is designed for Germans, then the beds are made for Americans, vast affairs that could house the better part of a rugby team. Soft browns and greys offset plenty of white in a room that offers the ability to watch television while lounging in the bath with a glass of wine... or bottle; why the hell not. Throw in balconies overlooking either the pool area, golf course or lagoon and you’ve got a first-class getaway.
And one which I’ll be returning to later in the year, for the golf, and the Weisbier, and the luxuriant rooms. But will I brave a communal spell sans wardrobe? Perhaps; seeing as rumour has it Spanish actress Ines Sastre will be back for the Nelson Mandela Invitational, and possibly supermodel Jodie Kidd. Should I bump into one of them in the steam room, then so be it — just their lucky day, I reckon.